Golden Rules for Parents
Why you should listen your kid compassionately?
Have you tried to hear your child? Have you ever acknowledged the feeling of your child? Have you ever tried to identify the feeling of your child? What is your attitude while dealing with the child’s problems?
Do you know your child?
Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish states in their book, “How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk” that four possible ways to give first aid to a child in distress: by listening with full attention, by acknowledging his feelings with a word, by giving a name to his feelings, and by granting him his wishes in fantasy”. Parent needs to understand that a child can have feelings too. We can not deny the feeling of a child on the basis of our own perception regarding a thing and a situation. We remember our childhood. We belong to lower middle class landlord family. We had our desires for certain things and certain situations. When we used to travel on train especially when we go to our maternal mother (nani house) we had urge to buy the things (eatable/toys), our mother used to give several explanations for not buying the things, however we could understand that mother was denying to give the things to us, it was not like that she was very concerned about health but it was due to lack of money. She used to tell, “ Don’t eat it, it is not hygienic , will prepare at home for you”.
Does your logical explanation satisfy your child?
We see in our day-to-day life that when a child wants something and the parent doesn’t want to give; parent usually replies with so many logical answers i.e., why she can not have the items. Child wants it, “that’s that”. We find the contrast between the child wish and parent’s wish. We often find that more explanations lead to more protest by the child. It is hard for the child to think clearly and constructively, when we start questioning, blaming, or advising a child. Parent needs to listen the demand of the child emphatically. It is the fact that we cannot fulfill all the demands of a child, but who stops a parent to listen emphatically.
All the demands and complain of a child are not childish demand or unrealistic ?
Generally, we consider children complain as vague or unrealistic. We have our own ready made reply for a child’s problem. Listening child’s problem attentively and emphatically can have the soothing experience for a him. It is much easier to tell our troubles to a parent who really listen us attentively. Sometimes a sympathetic listening or open to accept expression is the need of a child. The child wants to share her feelings and problems with you. Parent can provide a lot of help to the child only by listening emphatically. “Yes, I see, Oh no, Oh yes”, when a parent utters these words it has magical effect on a child’s mind. Caring attitude is basically an invitation for the child. Parent helps the child to explore his own thoughts and feelings. It makes the child possible to come up with his/her own solution to many challenges.
Do you feel the pulse of your child?
When a parent tries to feel the pulse of a child, and tries to identify the feeling of child, what s/he is feeling right now i.e. anguish, frustrated, angry, passionate, sad etc. It is soothing for the child when s/he hears the exact words what s/he is experiencing is deeply comforted. She feels that someone has acknowledged her inner experience. When a child feels that someone understand me what I’m feeling, what does I want to express, it prepares the child to face the reality, and of course it makes the pain easier and bearable.
Be a Compassionate Parent !
It is a common truth that if parent’s attitude is not compassionate enough, then whatever we say and share with our child is merely words, it is not felt by the child. When parent’s words reflect the real feeling, feeling of empathy, compassion that speaks directly to a child’ heart. It is essentially required that we give our children the voice to express their feeling full of truthfulness. Once we give the words to express what the child actually wants to express , what s/he is experiencing , s/he begins to help himself.